Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rough Draft

            The Roman Empire was a benefactor of many great emperors who led the way to a prosperous era.  However, the emperors took a turn for the worse and failed in leading Rome as well as other people had.  Rome suffered a huge blow form these new, terrible emperors, this was when Rome began to fall.  Despite efforts, it was nearly impossible for Rome to recover and rise from this major blow; as a result, the Roman Empire declined greatly.  The Roman Empire suffered a great decline from which it could never fully recover.
There was much conflict within the empire that contributed to its fall.  These conflicts included many military issues.  “An entirely different story played out in the west, where the empire was wracked by internal conflict as well as threats from abroad--particularly from the Germanic tribes now established within the empire's frontiers--and was steadily losing money due to constant warfare” (The History Channel Website, 2011). Rome was being attacked constantly due to their weakened state.  Enemies wouldn’t give up and eventually Rome was at its weakest point.  There were many issues within Rome too.  The political leaders of Rome were making decisions that the people who lived in Rome didn't agree with, so a rebellion began.
            During the fall of the Roman Empire there were little to no emperors.  The Roman empire in western Europe - a centralised superstate which had been in existence for 500 years - had ceased to exist, its single emperor replaced by upwards of a dozen kings and princes” (Heather, 2011).  Originally back when Rome was at its peak the emperors were phenomenal and knew what they were doing.  During the fall these emperors were replaced with people who had little to know experience and would only rule for a little at a time before they were assassinated because of their poor leadership.  Rome began to realize what was happening around them and they became very nervous.  Immediately they began throwing the blame on one another and the poor leaders.  The empire began to crumble due to the chaotic government. 
       A major factor in the Roman Empire’s decline was the suffering they had due to loss of land.  Rome eventually collapsed under the weight of its own bloated empire, losing its provinces one by one: Britain around 410; Spain and northern Africa by 430” (The History Channel Website, 2011).  Massive fights and mayhem broke out in the empire but Rome didn’t seem to see it.  Other places were completely aware of what was happening and they either attacked or fled form he empire.  Many countries left the falling empire and became their own independent empire.  Rome wasn’t even able to again any of this land back due to their weakened state.
            The Roman Empire suffered a terrible collapse due to various reasons.  A major factor in the decline was the government.  There was no knowledgeable and skilled leaders who were helping Rome, instead they all brought Rome down.  The government was probably the root point of the fall.  Rome also lacked a skilled military to fend off enemies who conquered Rome’s land and took it away.  The decrease in size Rome suffered caused more tension within the Empire.  Other countries could see this and broke away from Rome.  Rome suffered so greatly that it wasn’t able to recover from what happened; it was never the same again.

Work Cited
 Ancient Rome. (2011). The History Channel website. Retrieved 8:26, April 12, 2011, from


  1. Your thesis and opposing argument are the same?
    To me your first point is where your emphasis is.
    other than that just put a little more of number 11 and you'll have great paper.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Make your thesis statement more direct. You also did not cite things correctly because you have different authors for your quotes and have one source.


    Great Job, you essay had a lot of strong points. See my email for the grammatical stuff.

    1. Yes
    2 You need to work on your thesis! It is not clear enough. (see email)
    3. You cannot in English grammar just put a quote into a paragraph. It has to be linked to a sentence. (see email for help or talk to me)
    4. Good, still make sure it always relates back to your thesis.
    5. GREAT
    6. maybe
    7. yes
    8. please go back and look for theses. You need to avoid using contractions. I showed where in my email
    9. good
    10. good
    11. perfect

  5. Reviewers: Please use the 11 point plan and give specific evidence from the text to help the writer edit.

  6. "Despite efforts, it was nearly impossible for Rome to recover and rise from this major blow; as a result, the Roman Empire declined greatly."

    Your thesis statement must be all-inclusive -- meaning instead of saying "it was impossible to rise from this major blow," you should actually combine this and the previous sentence to explain what that blow was directly within your thesis statement.